Silencing Testimonies

The devil is the father of lies. This is why it’s hard to talk about what God brought me out of. But it won’t stop me. I am supposed to get rid of my wife and child to live like a complete stranger thinks I should. The enemy has deceived so many minds. Sad day.

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Lessons of Narcissim

When my wife and I had started our pre-marriage consoling, we learned in it the hierarchy of the spiritual family, and in that, we found that it would be very easy for a man to be domineering in a marriage. We have all seen it. But of course that isn’t the way God intended it to be, and I wholeheartedly believe it is wrong. But a person, a wife, should know the characteristics of abuse from a spouse, i.e. narcissism.

In that same vein, with the responsibility of a pastor, I can see how a man of God could let his responsibilities lead him to be a dictator type pastor. Which again, I feel is wrong. But the office of any authority is subject to that same temptation of becoming a dictator or very controlling. It’s a lot of power that only certain people can maintain without becoming domineering. But the ones that do get authoritarian dictator syndrome, they are in a very dangerous place, and recognizing those traits and control tactics are vital to saving yourself from a lot of pain and trouble.

It doesn’t come natural to most to be able to see those traits. Naivety is a big problem when it comes to recognizing a narcissist. I tend to be very naive when it comes to meeting new people. I ignorantly give them the benefit of the doubt and can’t immediately recognize when a contrary spirit walks in the room. But before long, I notice the subtlety of the enemy and their dirty spirit comes out, and then we have people like my dad, and Joy, and some pastors I’ve had. Customers we’ve had that have just out of nowhere said some off the wall put down and we are left standing there thinking “where in the world did that come from?” So we have learned to recognize those things a lot quicker. The enemy isn’t always screamingly obvious. He can literally transform himself into an angel of light.

When Joy had came in, I thought she was pretty nice. She was funny, and a little cussy, but a lot of people do that. Which I still don’t get how people go around cussing in public at businesses, but whatever. As soon as she left, Leah recognized the spirit in her and told me. Then low and behold the next day that ugly serpent came flying in my shop.

My grandma and grandpa died right before the shut down, my grandma had went in for hip surgery and she died in post op and my grandpa died 3 days later buying flowers for her funeral, so they ended up having a joined funeral, to which I was supposed to go to. Well, when my dad told me that Pawpaw had died, I figured everyone knew before me, because I wasn’t really included in much of their lives, and I prematurely posted on facebook to pray for my family because my Pawpaw had just died. Well my dad called me and yelled at me, typical. But after that he started texting me and putting me down. I’ve spent a lot of years identifying his traits and methods of control, and I wouldn’t let him do it. So every text he sent me, I sent him a Bible very back. Eventually he gave up. But it wasn’t before he had literally disowned me and cursed me with his witchcraft that he doesn’t really know what he’s doing with.

Then you cut them off. You have to. Even when they try and try to come back in your life for no reason, you have to ignore them. No matter how hard it is not to fire back to their fiery lie darts, you don’t.

Once you get those people away, you will notice a change in everything. But the more you come to the knowledge of identifying and exposing these spirits, the quicker they manifest. It won’t take long before you will walk up to anyone and know instantly. It’s pretty amazing.

I don’t know what makes people think they are in control. I don’t know what makes them think they can control another person that isn’t a child. It really freaks me out. I’ve seen pastors do it to saints. I am not talking about Apostolic only, I am talking about all kinds. I’ve seen teachers do it, I’ve seen parents and even children do it. It is no respecter of persons. I would say its 100% a pride issue, and we know that permeates all boundaries. I hope and pray if you find yourself in the presence of a narcissist that you can begin to learn and be aware of dangerous behavior.

The Worst

I am. I think I have probably mentioned it quite a bit, but I am the worst at keeping up a blog. I haven’t written a post in a while, so this one may be long. I am not sure. My last post was December of 2019. Lol. I guess social media has taken precedence until as of late. Maybe not. Anyway, I digress.

There is an entire year of a pandemic that I could cover, which I may at a later date, but there is one thing I do need to address. I left off with my wife possibly having MS, to possibly not having MS, to having it, etc. Up until last Sunday, June 27, 2021, this has been our life. I wrote about it in October of 2019, but have since not updated it.

We basically spent the next year and a half going from doctor to doctor, specialist to specialist, city to city, prayer to prayer, with no luck. No relief. Spinal tap after spinal tap. Blood drawn, hospital stays, long trips, overnight stays, all for not. Even up until last Sunday, we had no answers. But God.

We were having a normal church service, but Leah and I were asked to open the service with a song. Then our pastors wife took over and we began to sing. We weren’t far into the singing when I hear a war cry, and look over and it is Leah. Right after that war cry, she began to dance and shout. Now, this may not seem that far out for us, but remember, this has been going on since 2019. Leah has lost mobility in her legs, constant seizures, driving privlidges taken away because of the seizures. I had to basically become 2 parents a lot of the time. Leah always pushed herself until she couldn’t anymore, way more than I think I could have.

I look over, and she is dancing and shouting and it hit me that it was the first time that I had seen her shout and dance in the duration of this sickness. I didn’t know why she was shouting, nor did I care, but I shout with her. Even if she could only shout for that moment, that alone was a miracle. We calm down a little and are off the platform and Leah testifies. She testifies that she has no pain anywhere. She could lift her left arm all the way up, which wasnt a possiblity. Her eye balls have constantly non-stop hurt this entire time and for the first time they didn’t hurt. Of course we all blew up!

So, you know how the enemy is. He creates doubt. So, I decided that everytime that came into my head I would rebuke it. Monday, she woke up, and felt fine. People texted and asked how she was doing, and I said healed! Tuesday, same thing. He we are a week later and she is still sympotom free! God is a miracle working God. Don’t give up.

Encourage WHO?

We live in a very tough world. Some would say worse than any other time, some would disagree. But one thing is for sure, it can be hard to adult at times. I see many saints allowing the enemy to wear them out. It isn’t necessarily big strikes against the saints, but he will use situations and people to plum wear you out, keeping you busy and your mind off of the prize. 

And he shall speak great words against the most High, and shall wear out the saints of the most High, and think to change times and laws: and they shall be given into his hand until a time and times and the dividing of time. Daniel 7:25

I am guilty of this as well, so I preach to the choir! The attack is real, and sometimes it feels so heavy, and you can’t get a break, but take courage! Consider David:

And David was greatly distressed; for the people spake of stoning him, because the soul of all the people was grieved, every man for his sons and for his daughters: but David encouraged himself in the Lord his God. 1 Samuel 30:6

David was greatly distressed! They wanted to kill him! But when all falls apart, you have to encourage yourself. As easy as it is for me to type that out, it is much harder to apply it. Over the past couple of years, I have found myself greatly distressed, trying to get through life without losing my breath. I run and run the race, and at times it feels like the finish line keeps getting moved miles and miles away. But that is when you have to encourage yourself in God. How do you encourage yourself you say? I am so glad you asked! 

1. Read His Word! Read His Word! Read His Word!
2. Talk about His Word!
3. Pray

Anytime someone tells me that they have been going through a hard time, and they feel defeated, I always ask “how much time are you spending in His Word?” 99% of time time, the answer is “not as much time as I should.”

We have to be in the Word, daily. If you want to hear from God, read His Word. If you need an answer to something, read His Word. It seems as Christians, that we spend less time in our “religious book” than other religions do, and that is saddening. We have to know it, we have to read it, we have to talk about it, we have to proclaim it.

I head a saying one time: “Make prayer your first response, not your last resort.” I would add “Make His Word your first response, not your last resort.” There is nothing that can take the place of God’s Word in your life. It is alive, it can and will speak to you about your situation and comfort you in your trouble.

I don’t buy into the whole Prosperity Gospel. I do not buy into the fact that once you become a Christian, everything is right in the world. No! Have you ever opened a Bible? We are promised peace and joy, but the presence of peace and joy doesn’t mean we have it all together. That doctrine only makes YOU feel bad when something goes wrong as if you didn’t have enough faith, and now you’re punished. Our promise is that IN the turmoil, we have peace and joy. THAT is much more admirable than just getting a free pass from the problems of this world. God gives us tools in His Word to combat the enemy. So today, as you go through this life and deal with the troubles of this world, encourage yourself in God’s Word. 

Many Scars

Life is insane. I told my wife the other day that I thought that the older you get the weirder life gets. I think back at things over the past 5 to 10 years and things are just odd. Things happen to people you would never guess it would happen to. People die you thought would be around forever. You think you know someone and you don’t. This list goes on.

Back Pain

This all started when my wife and I moved back from the hurricane ravaged Panama City. I had started a grooming shop in the local town we had settled into, and she was given a job as a manager at a local department store. At first, it wasn’t too bad. But she came home every day complaining of back pain. It grew worse and worse, and we chocked it up to standing on concrete all day and a pulled muscle. She went through some agonizing pain to which she wasn’t even able to move, and eventually it got better.

Doctors, and more doctors

One day, about 3 months ago, she went to the doctors and her doctor ordered physical therapy due to some upper back pain and shoulder pain. She went to about 5 or 6 sessions only to realize that it was making the pain worse, and per her physical therapist, she ceased physical therapy. After going back to the doctor, and getting a referral to a spine surgeon, many ER visits and debilitating pain, she finally received an MRI. When she went into the spine surgeon’s office, he informed her that her issues were not bulging discs pressing on nerves as they thought. He told her that there are two kinds of nerve issues: surgical and disease. And she didn’t have the surgical kind of nerve issues. He informed her later that it is definitely disease. Disease. DISEASE.

He told her that she is showing symptoms to a couple different neurological diseases, one including multiple sclerosis. Up until this point, our lives were pretty normal. This changed a lot.

Over the next couple days, my wife dives into studying the disease. Not WebMD or Wikipedia, but the actual MS Society’s webpage and first hand accounts with people with MS. The surgeon seemed more convinced that it was MS than the other diseases, but it takes a battery of tests and MRI’s to actually determine that, so we were gearing up for our journey through this together.

Emotions

To say we were emotional is an understatement. The day she came back from the doctor, she wasn’t really too informative on what he had said. She didn’t want me to worry. I understand that and don’t fault her at all. She did let me know very gently. At first I wasn’t too cognitive of the severity of the situation. I was just kind of stunned and wandering in my thoughts. What did this mean? Will my wife be paralyzed? It wasn’t until the next day that it really hit me. My wife is really good at hiding her emotions from me, especially in instances like this. She only does it so I don’t get more sad or worry. I understand that. But I wasn’t able to hide it. We cried. We prayed. We accepted what God had allowed as our journey, knowing that He would do something through this. What it is, I don’t know. But with out sickness, how can you know He is a healer.

Cliché

Before we ever told a single person, I told my wife that I knew it would happen. Granted it usually comes out of the kindness of someone’s heart, but it’s kind of like when someone dies, people try to say the right thing, and after a while, it just gets annoying or old. Now, where this hits with me is doctrine. Go figure, eh? The first thing that was said when I told someone about this situation was: “Don’t claim it!” Now, I do understand the intentions, but I know that nothing comes to me if it hasn’t went through the hands of God first. We aren’t guaranteed physical spontaneous healing. I believe God heals that way. I also believe He uses things to bring people back to God and to show Himself through our weakness.

Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. 2 Corinthians 12:10

This verse doesn’t say that my infirmities are automatically taken away. It says that in those infirmities, I take pleasure, because when I am weak God is strong. It goes with that whole denying yourself thing. NO narrative of any Scripture is about us getting the glory. It is all about His glory.

If any man speak, let him speak as the oracles of God; if any man minister, let him do it as of the ability which God giveth: that God in all things may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom be praise and dominion for ever and ever. Amen.

Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you:

But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy. 1 Peter 4:11-13

This should go without explanation. But again, people forget these verses exist I guess. A self-absorbed doctrine would forget they exist.

I do get afraid that my adamancy against name it and claim it/blab it and grab it will come off as faithless. Nay nay. I believe that God is a healer. I know He can heal my wife. I know He will heal my wife, but until that healing comes, this is where we are. Consider the following:

And Jesus went with him; and much people followed him, and thronged him.

And a certain woman, which had an issue of blood twelve years,

And had suffered many things of many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was nothing bettered, but rather grew worse 

She had the issue of blood for 12 years! But her situation made her desperate. How many lessons in 12 years did she learn about life, herself, and God. I am assuming she had some sort of faith in order to seek out the Messiah for healing.

When she had heard of Jesus, came in the press behind, and touched his garment.

For she said, If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole.

And straightway the fountain of her blood was dried up; and she felt in her body that she was healed of that plague. Mark 5:25-29

She sought out Jesus Christ. She went searching for her Healer, and said if I can but touch his clothes! Her faith in God is what healed her. We have faith. God is going to do something.

Where the road leads

Where will the road lead us from here? I do not know. We haven’t gotten an official diagnosis yet, but soon, October 21, we will know if it is for sure MS. I titled this “Many Scars” because multiple sclerosis translates to many scars. The scars form on your brain and spine and are called lesions. From the MRI’s she has many on her spine and one on her brain. This would lend to the primary progressive multiple sclerosis, being the worst. But I do believe God is going to do something. What, when and where, I do not know. But whatever it may be, I know that it is only going to bring glory to His Name. We are adjusting to the way life is with this at the moment, but with treatment, have the hope that some things will be easier to live with and do. But until then, we pray. We pray and pray.