Fearless

I am giving it a good effort on blogging more. My blog doesn’t necessarily have a theme, it’s more of a look into what is going on in my head. Which should worry some people.

I last wrote about MS. It turns out, after my wife had her lumbar puncture, that the tests came back negative for MS. For this, we rejoice. But that still leaves us with “what is going on?” I hate seeing her in such an awful place. But she remains faithful to God, and we both know that God is going to do something through it. We are ready for what He wants to do.

Sirius-ly?

I was listening to a radio program in my car on the way home from work yesterday called “Speaking the Truth.” It is on the Family Talk radio station on Sirius XM. I had never really listened to it because I can’t stand the speaker’s voice. But yesterday for some reason, I didn’t change it. Actually I know the reason. Here it is!

She was discussing the verse found in John 14:16, 17:

And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever; Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you.

What I came in on was her saying that this verse is the promise of the Holy Ghost (She used Spirit). She said that somehow this verse represents the trinity. You the Son praying to the Father to send the Spirit. Three separate persons. She didn’t say how this represents the trinity, she just said somehow it does, like she doesn’t know how.

I just don’t get it. You have this archaic doctrine started primarily by Constantine and what later became the Catholic church. How they came up with the trinity and introduction of the Universal (that is what Catholic means) church just blows my mind. The majority of Christianity, that is evangelical and non-liturgical, abhor most of Catholic doctrine. Christians don’t pray to Mary, don’t confess to priests, do not believe in transubstantiation, deny the office of the Pope, etc., but the one thing they take from them is the doctrine of the trinity. Why is everything else wrong with their doctrine, but that is acceptable to keep? I have never understood that.

Just in case you are reading this and do not know what the aforementioned scripture is saying, I will tell you. Jesus told His followers that He had to go away to prepare a place for us. In that, He informed them that He will no longer be with them, but HE (Jesus) will be in them. So, if Jesus says that it is HE that will be in them and that HE is sending the Comforter, then simple arithmetic would incline anyone to understand that the Comforter must be Jesus! But what about Jesus praying to the Father? So glad you asked! Jesus, before any introduction of trinitarian doctrine, was known as the “God-man.” That is because He is both God and man at the same time. His (God’s) SONship, is the part that is man, according to the flesh. The Spirit in Him is God or for this cause, the Father. The Bible says that God is a spirit, and no man hath seen him at any time (John 4:12). I really do believe that the Oneness of God is a revelation, and at times I get a little discouraged because it isn’t the mainstream belief and people have it so ingrained in them that you must believe something orthodox. But, people do eventually get the revelation. One thing I find funny, a lot of trinitarians don’t actually believe in the trinity, they believe in Oneness, but call it the trinity. Anyway, back to the subject at hand. 

The one thing I find it hard to wrap my mind around is that trinitarians proclaim that the trinity is so vast and complex that it is beyond human understanding. Anyone who has any understanding of Scripture would remember what Romans 1:20 says:

For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse:

That is pretty sobering. His Godhead is fully understood from the creation of the world, and because it is fully understood, you do not have an excuse to understand that God is One. What is more sobering is the fact that it says His power and Godhead are clearly understood. That nullifies the trinitarian doctrine. God is One. Period. That’s pretty easy to wrap your mind around. I could go on and on about the Oneness of God, but the point of the post was just to address what this woman said on the radio program and the fallacy of that thinking. I hope I have educated someone somewhat. If you feel that the trinitarian doctrine may not be Truth, then ask God to show you the Truth. He will. The word says to ask for wisdom and He gives it. 

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Many Scars

Life is insane. I told my wife the other day that I thought that the older you get the weirder life gets. I think back at things over the past 5 to 10 years and things are just odd. Things happen to people you would never guess it would happen to. People die you thought would be around forever. You think you know someone and you don’t. This list goes on.

Back Pain

This all started when my wife and I moved back from the hurricane ravaged Panama City. I had started a grooming shop in the local town we had settled into, and she was given a job as a manager at a local department store. At first, it wasn’t too bad. But she came home every day complaining of back pain. It grew worse and worse, and we chocked it up to standing on concrete all day and a pulled muscle. She went through some agonizing pain to which she wasn’t even able to move, and eventually it got better.

Doctors, and more doctors

One day, about 3 months ago, she went to the doctors and her doctor ordered physical therapy due to some upper back pain and shoulder pain. She went to about 5 or 6 sessions only to realize that it was making the pain worse, and per her physical therapist, she ceased physical therapy. After going back to the doctor, and getting a referral to a spine surgeon, many ER visits and debilitating pain, she finally received an MRI. When she went into the spine surgeon’s office, he informed her that her issues were not bulging discs pressing on nerves as they thought. He told her that there are two kinds of nerve issues: surgical and disease. And she didn’t have the surgical kind of nerve issues. He informed her later that it is definitely disease. Disease. DISEASE.

He told her that she is showing symptoms to a couple different neurological diseases, one including multiple sclerosis. Up until this point, our lives were pretty normal. This changed a lot.

Over the next couple days, my wife dives into studying the disease. Not WebMD or Wikipedia, but the actual MS Society’s webpage and first hand accounts with people with MS. The surgeon seemed more convinced that it was MS than the other diseases, but it takes a battery of tests and MRI’s to actually determine that, so we were gearing up for our journey through this together.

Emotions

To say we were emotional is an understatement. The day she came back from the doctor, she wasn’t really too informative on what he had said. She didn’t want me to worry. I understand that and don’t fault her at all. She did let me know very gently. At first I wasn’t too cognitive of the severity of the situation. I was just kind of stunned and wandering in my thoughts. What did this mean? Will my wife be paralyzed? It wasn’t until the next day that it really hit me. My wife is really good at hiding her emotions from me, especially in instances like this. She only does it so I don’t get more sad or worry. I understand that. But I wasn’t able to hide it. We cried. We prayed. We accepted what God had allowed as our journey, knowing that He would do something through this. What it is, I don’t know. But with out sickness, how can you know He is a healer.

Cliché

Before we ever told a single person, I told my wife that I knew it would happen. Granted it usually comes out of the kindness of someone’s heart, but it’s kind of like when someone dies, people try to say the right thing, and after a while, it just gets annoying or old. Now, where this hits with me is doctrine. Go figure, eh? The first thing that was said when I told someone about this situation was: “Don’t claim it!” Now, I do understand the intentions, but I know that nothing comes to me if it hasn’t went through the hands of God first. We aren’t guaranteed physical spontaneous healing. I believe God heals that way. I also believe He uses things to bring people back to God and to show Himself through our weakness.

Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. 2 Corinthians 12:10

This verse doesn’t say that my infirmities are automatically taken away. It says that in those infirmities, I take pleasure, because when I am weak God is strong. It goes with that whole denying yourself thing. NO narrative of any Scripture is about us getting the glory. It is all about His glory.

If any man speak, let him speak as the oracles of God; if any man minister, let him do it as of the ability which God giveth: that God in all things may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom be praise and dominion for ever and ever. Amen.

Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you:

But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy. 1 Peter 4:11-13

This should go without explanation. But again, people forget these verses exist I guess. A self-absorbed doctrine would forget they exist.

I do get afraid that my adamancy against name it and claim it/blab it and grab it will come off as faithless. Nay nay. I believe that God is a healer. I know He can heal my wife. I know He will heal my wife, but until that healing comes, this is where we are. Consider the following:

And Jesus went with him; and much people followed him, and thronged him.

And a certain woman, which had an issue of blood twelve years,

And had suffered many things of many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was nothing bettered, but rather grew worse 

She had the issue of blood for 12 years! But her situation made her desperate. How many lessons in 12 years did she learn about life, herself, and God. I am assuming she had some sort of faith in order to seek out the Messiah for healing.

When she had heard of Jesus, came in the press behind, and touched his garment.

For she said, If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole.

And straightway the fountain of her blood was dried up; and she felt in her body that she was healed of that plague. Mark 5:25-29

She sought out Jesus Christ. She went searching for her Healer, and said if I can but touch his clothes! Her faith in God is what healed her. We have faith. God is going to do something.

Where the road leads

Where will the road lead us from here? I do not know. We haven’t gotten an official diagnosis yet, but soon, October 21, we will know if it is for sure MS. I titled this “Many Scars” because multiple sclerosis translates to many scars. The scars form on your brain and spine and are called lesions. From the MRI’s she has many on her spine and one on her brain. This would lend to the primary progressive multiple sclerosis, being the worst. But I do believe God is going to do something. What, when and where, I do not know. But whatever it may be, I know that it is only going to bring glory to His Name. We are adjusting to the way life is with this at the moment, but with treatment, have the hope that some things will be easier to live with and do. But until then, we pray. We pray and pray.

Bitter Waters

Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter? James 3:11

I am the worst when it comes to keeping up with a blog. But I mostly use it to get out my frustrations, or thoughts, that are bigger than social media. Or I just don’t want to cast my pearls before… swine. Life has a funny way of speeding you up and slowing you down. And sometimes, when you think you’ve attained a certain mountain, you’re kicked all the way down the mountain to the deepest pit you can imagine. Sounds great huh. So much for positive thinking! 🙂 Anyway, I decided that I was going to write a blog about this past year. Well, what has happened since the last time I posted in JANUARY OF 2019! The worst, I told you. If you don’t like reading, then you probably should skip over this post.

Ancestry

Around March of 2018, my wife bought an ancestry DNA kit. It came in the mail, and she was very excited. She spit in the tube (kinda weird) and sent it off. After what seemed like an eternity, she was able to see the results of who her father is (VERY long story behind that, but I will save that for another time). We finally received the results and it was exactly who (through other family members) thought it was. It wasn’t who she thought prior was her father, but this was the second option. She was able to get into contact with the man listed as her father, and began building a relationship with him via phone. Other people from her family knew this man prior to my wife being born, so we went forward with their great opinion of his reputation and decided to move to where he lived. One, we didn’t like where we lived (Southern Illinois) and two, she had always longed for a dad, and the man she thought was her dad died when she was 2, so I wasn’t going to stand in the way. We went carefully, prayerfully, and moved to Panama City, Florida, in May of 2018.

Churchish

I have been raised in and around church my whole life. I am Apostolic from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. I guess I either missed something along the way or didn’t get taught it, but it did lead to major heartbreak and bitterness. I told some friends at the church we were attending that we would be moving to Florida soon, we just didn’t have a date yet. One of the friends asked if I had asked our pastor if it were okay to move. I responded with, “ask?” He informed me that there are people that don’t even buy a house before they ask him. This was the first time I had ever heard of this. I have moved, I have talked about with my pastor before, but I never knew to ask for permission. I told the friend that I hadn’t said anything to him yet because we didn’t know a date, and even in one day, things can change. So, with that conversation in the back of my mind, I messaged my pastor (we will call him PW) and told him that we were making plans to move. He said “are you kidding me?” I responded with “no.” His response was “give me a call when you get time.” I had time right then and called him. He asked me why were wanted to move. That was the only question. There wasn’t a “when” or a “where?” When I told him the reason, I became silent and listened to him rip me up one side and the other for 30 minutes and it ended with him hanging up on me. I never said a word. I listened. 

The next day, I messaged him and said that I didn’t want to leave on bad terms or with him mad at me. He then immediately called me and asked me if I thought he was tough on me. I responded with yes. He then informed me that he wasn’t even mad, to which I said “I’d really hate to see you mad.” After he hung up on me, I felt horrible. I didn’t really understand what was even going on. He told me that I didn’t need his permission, but I should have talked to him about it. I agreed and told him that I was going to once we had a plan, because we weren’t even sure if we could do it. Anyway, back to the second call. I had asked him if he would recommend a church where we were going and he told me he would not. He asked me “what would I tell the man of God there? I don’t have anything good to say about you.” This was a hard blow. I was involved in the church, paid my tithes, went to everything I could, went to PEAK conference as a chaperone, prayed, went to extra events and services at other churches, and I didn’t understand why he had no good thing to say about me. Until this point, this man acted like he was my best friend. He would call me and talk to me on the phone for over an hour at a time, pouring into me scripture and encouragement. This second call didn’t end with that low blow. No, he went on to tell me that my wife was rebellious, and she is rebellious because of me. (Us moving was apparently rebellion.) My wife had missed quite a bit of church because we had an infant, and lived 35 minutes from the church. Wednesday night church started at 7:30 and would be out after 9, sometimes 9:30 and we had to drive 40 minutes home, and Sunday started at 6 but would get out at 9 or so and it was too much for our infant. Long story short, we were both rebellious and he told us that if Jesus comes back, we won’t be going, and that this move will end in disaster (keep that fresh in your mind.) He never asked when or anything. He was done. So off we went to Florida.

Fast forward to October of 2018. We woke up one Monday with the idea that there may be a tropical storm brewing in the gulf. We lived less than half a mile from St. Andrew’s Bay in Panama City, and as this storm started developing we decided that we needed to evacuate because we had a 2 year old and didn’t want to chance anything at all, and it would give us a chance to see family that we hadn’t seen since May, which was way too long for me. We left on Monday night, with the intention of coming back on Friday. I called my work and told them and they didn’t even know a hurricane was coming. 

We got to Illinois on Tuesday morning. Wednesday, October 10, 2018, Hurricane Michael made land fall. We watched the hurricane on FOX News, only to see coverage of Panama City Beach, not of Panama City. We thought this strange, especially since we lived in the City side. Come to find out, the reason that there was no coverage of the city was that they were hit so bad that they couldn’t get any signals or anything to go out of the storm. Over the next couple days we were told that our town house was gone and we had nothing to return to. So we started making plans to stay. 

Through the grape vine, I got wind that the unnamed pastor that told us we weren’t rapture ready was telling everyone that his prophecy of our Florida move ending in disaster had came true. And also, that my wife is my pastor. He tells people that apparently on a regular basis. 

When we left for Florida, up until now, not one person has asked about us or called or anything. Which is fine, I don’t really care, and it makes it easier, but my thought is they know why we left, like so many others leave. 

I haven’t named the pastor, and some people, if anyone reads this, can figure out who the pastor is and what church. That’s fine if you do, fine if you don’t. So many Pentecostals will jump at the opportunity to say to not speak poorly of the anointed. I’m not going to go there with anyone. As much scripture there is for not speaking against God’s anointed (and in this case, that term is used very loosely) there is also as many scriptures about not ruling over God’s heritage and marking those that cause division. That is a debate that I don’t really feel is applicable here. Now that that is out of the way. 

I don’t believe in going around and telling people’s business or gossiping, but this entire post is about this event happening in my life. I am still Apostolic, and I know that just because someone is a pastor they aren’t perfect. I know many good people who have been hurt by unbiblical teaching and dictatorship. By the way, when a pastor says they aren’t a dictator, usually that means they really are in the form of narcissism.

The above encounter left me very bitter and confused. This man had shown interest in helping me grow my ministry. This man poured into me on a number of occasions. This man put me behind his pulpit to exhort. This man asked me to be in certain things. My respect for him was one I hadn’t really personally given a man of God, and I think the reason that I revered him so much was because he took time for me and acted like he was my friend. This was no small church. 200 or so members, and 100 additional children were bussed in on Sunday mornings. The services were hot, God moved in ways I haven’t experienced anywhere else. There was drama, of course, but I wasn’t there for that. My wife and I had visited OFTEN on a regular basis for 2 years prior to going there because they had people our age, married, that we could hang out with, as our other church didn’t. After the 2 phone conversations, I had told my brother in law, who was my previous pastor, and is now currently my pastor, what happened only to find out horrendous things. 

I received a phone call from the aforementioned pastor (PW) randomly one day. He was informing me that he had talked to my brother in law (PM) about another person that was bouncing between the two churches. He said that I had been brought up in the conversation and was talked about pretty harshly. After the proverbial lashing had happened, my brother in law told me how that conversation really went down. For the sake of my energy and time, it wasn’t good. It was more damage, and wood added to the fire. 

To The Bones

I had put so much faith and hope in this man, that when he failed, I was left wondering if God really was in Apostolic preachers anymore. I know that Apostolic doctrine is right, so I wasn’t interested in going to another kind of church, I just didn’t know if I could trust anyone else again. I questioned my ministry and my calling. I questioned if I was a reprobate or if God could even hear me. I was very wounded. And then came the question of how to get rid of the bitterness and distrust. I knew the scripture is against bitterness. 

But her end is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Proverbs 5:4

I had tried so hard and put so much effort into doing what was right only to be let down. How could I trust anyone. 

Well, to their demise, they lost a lot of good people from their church. I had taken a friend to church that wasn’t Apostolic. He had went with me quite a few times and the Lord was moving on him. The pastors (PW) daughter thought he was good looking and wanted to get in contact with him. Well I knew better and I didn’t get her in contact with him but since he was tagged in some things on social media, it wasn’t too hard to get his info. She did. And she sent him vial snaps on Snapchat, things a Christian should never send. Later, she was a part of almost ruining a new converts marriage after being caught making out with the husband during our Easter drama practices. The pastor never did anything about it, tried to cover it up, and literally lost every minister on his platform except for two young ministers. I say that to say: don’t be a hypocrite! 

Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. Galatians 6:7

I don’t glory in the fact that this happened on any end. But I did come out stronger. I came out stronger in who I am in Christ, what the Bible says regarding abuse of power, and knowing that the Lord can keep you even when you are confused and groping in the darkness. My confidence in the ministry is being restored, with caution. But I will say this, no one under the sun can ever tell any human that they are going to hell. Yes, the word says certain things will send you there, but no one is allowed to tell me that my soul will be in hell for moving to another town. No body has that authority and scripture never gives anyone the authority to send someone to hell. 

Bitterness held me bound. Bound to doubt. Bound to pain. Bound to hopelessness. But God got me through it. If you are struggling with bitterness from a church hurt or any other thing, God can get you through it. It seems it isn’t overnight, but it will happen and He will restore to you the joy of your salvation!