I am not one of those Charesmatic-ee people that believes everyone has a life verse or anything like that. But the verse featured on my blog, along with the title, is my life. Time after time, God trades me my heaviness for a garment of praise and makes somethubg beautiful out of my circumstance. But it seems, the older I get, the longer it takes for the great exchange to take place. I live in this war between dealing with the pain, anxiety and heartache, and the realization that it could always be so much worse. Which leads to guilt and shame. This is a daily struggle.
But today I feel defeated, and at best, deflated. I don’t know if anyone will ever understand, and in my woe is me state, I don’t feel that anyone cares. I love my family, my baby girl and my wife. But there are so many things surrounding us that keeps me chained to the beast called anxiety. I get tired of thinking about it so I’m sure people are tired of hearing about it. I am supposed to be a faith filled Christian. I am supposed to be a strong dad and a leader for my family. I am really at the end of my rope. I have reached out and only to find emptiness. I’ve reached out to ministers and friends asking for prayer, to no avail. I was telling my wife that I find it so weird that when I go to the altar, no one will pray with me. Why do I care? She said it was really weird, but it has happened my whole life. When I reached out at one of my lowest points, I was told to get on medicine, among other things. I went to the doctor and he wanted to medicate me. When I told him no, I was visibly treated differently. Where do I go from here? I literally feel completely lost.
But there is hope. I cling on to God’s word and some how I make it another day. I just wish these days were a little more joyous.